Thursday, March 11, 2010

One More Sunny One!

Just back from Farmer Erin's where we were putting together at steel framed canopy she will cover with a used billboard. I will pay for that one tomorrow. A small price, it was great to be out in the sun with the temps around 60 and maybe higher. But damn am I out of shape. All this walking a little dog only helps so much. The warmth was as tiring as the work, and I learned I don't bend that well. It will be a while before I call anyone about framing jobs.

I went through a period this winter thinking that I needed to be back at work and I would be, come hell or high water. I had a couple of interviews and thank god I didn't get the jobs. Now bear in mind I want to work, I find not working against my nature. I made it through the interviews, but then slept a lot of the next day. Sometimes I felt on, but I had a hard time carrying the momentum.

Not working also gave me the chance to beat myself up about it. Am I getting too lazy? Am I just doing this because I can? Why didn't I just get off my ass! I had a number of articles on starting, getting motivated, shipping and any number of other names for getting moving. I agreed with them all, started some letters, started to make calls. And then the fatigue set in. This wasn't about jumping, shipping, starting or any of that. It was real. And it hurt.

A trip to a Physiologist in the beginning of February probably helped the most and hurt the worst. I was about where I should be in my recovery. Strokes are brain injuries, though I got an argument from my mother that it was a heart problem. Sure it may be caused by cardiovascular problems. But the physiologist made some recommendations and then in one killer move recommended I look at VESID, vocational training. I wouldn't be going back to the glass world at the top of my game, I could find another career, something less.

I think it stung through most of February. But I had insurance, I had applied for Social Security Disability. That in itself stung, a label and a come down. I was a glass professional, one of the best and now facing retraining and being on Social Security. Gone were the bonuses, the car, the gas card. Yeah it was high stress but I liked it, VESID won't send me to Vegas. Why don't they give me a walker and some Depends?

I hit a turning point and a trip to my doctor's helped. He is a year or so younger, went to Syracuse when I was at LeMoyne and we probably have mutual friends, we don't explore that. He has been a big help from the beginning. Writing has helped, and the promise of drawing, and the promise of spring. Some sun before a snow storm helped. Funny what sun can do.

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